At times like these, I don't know really is it just me. Maybe I have a little self-reflection to do. Cos I'm dumb. Haha. Yeah and my studies also dying. I should never have gone into a relationship. I should've expected this. Why didn't I listen to my mum anyway? I don't know. Can someone tell me what to do? I'm clueless. I feel that life is stupid, life is dumb. Can I just die off right now? Perhaps it's not the right time. Especially when I still have you. If I left what would happen to you? I would probably ruin your life I guess. But again all wounds heal with time. You would find a better girl I guess, someone soft hearted someone who needs protection. All you can give her and she will appreciate it. Just not me. Maybe it's just that I was treated like that in the past so I'm doing it to you now. Yup, no one nor you, someone I love so dearly deserves any of this shit. But I guess it's just me. The scarred me. You said if I loved you enough, I would do anything for you. Change for you. I guess I'm too afraid to love. Cos when you're totally blinded, you will fall into that deep pit that would take probably forever to climb out. I've had the experience, it was painful. I hated it. Why didn't we just remain as friends? We were happy then weren't we? Why did you develop romantic feelings for me at all? I didn't intend to even get this close to you, I didn't want a relationship. I told myself that I promised myself that. But now it's just a little too late, cos I've fallen this deeply in love with you. Three quarters down the pit. Adults say we're too young to understand what love is. Perhaps yes, we get hurt this easily. But I'm mature enough to know its doing what you should for each other. The quote 'I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you it's going to be worth it' cheered me up a lot earlier this week. Now it didn't seem to have any effect, I think I'm just too affected by what happened earlier. I'm sorry dear. Though you're probably never going to read this, I hope it will somehow convey someday that I'm sincerely sorry. I just can't seem to talk to you in a calm state when I'm this agitated. Yea cos i'm childish and have a 'fucked up mind'. FYI, that hurt a lot. When I first used vulgarities on you, you got so disappointed. Now you're using it on me all the time, it's like the norm now. It's not your fault I guess, I wanted you to be harsh on me so I'll learn. But it's making me more defiant I think. I'm just brought up this spoiled I think. Zhen Han thought I was a spoiled brat. Some girl in my school thought so too. I wonder how many other people in the school hates me for that, and that rumor that got around, which made me so infamous. I so wanted to die. Really. But Brandon, Eloy, Nicholas and Aloysius was there to hear me out. I was so surprised. That people I wasn't even close to cared so much for me. They wanted to listen to my story, they told me they would stand up for me. I was so touched. Nik and Caden too, the people that were there for me all the time. I'm so happy I got to know all of you, I appreciate it so much guys. Thank you. Then Cyrus. The sweetest guy I've ever met. Someone I took granted for cos I somehow knew he wouldn't ever leave me nor give up on me. But I guess he has his limits too. He has given this much for me but I guess I'm too affected by what has happened about a year ago. I'm sorry dear. Man ranting just made me feel a lot better. But this is how I really feel I guess. I hope the people in my life who had made it so much brighter and better will know how much I appreciate them. Ah it's almost end of year exams and I'm still not prepared. Almost everyday we're just fighting. No I won't blame you if I don't do well. I guess it's just me picking fights all the time. Me not taking my own words seriously, making you upset then making me upset. Another cycle, that happens each and every single time. Dear, it's not I don't want to see you nor hear you. But you just have to be so harsh with me it makes me afraid. But perhaps it would make me learn in time to come. I wonder how many posts I would have by the end of this year. Hopefully not too much. Thank you private ranting sanctuary. Don't worry. I don't think anyone would actually see this.
